Statement regarding the cases of Pitchmarschall Stottlemyre and Benchmarschall Girardi

Achtung, Achtung. What seemed to be unfortunate news for the Yankee empire a few days ago has been revealed as a blessing. Der Fuhrer has made the following comments regarding the departures of Mel Stottlemyre and Joe Girardi.

"These men were traitors and spies," according to Der Fuhrer, who continued, "I allowed them to remain out of personal loyalty. All Yankee fans should regard this case as a stark reminder of the dangers of wallowing in base sentimentality. We must never again allow our committment to winning to be overriden by the unfortunate emotional sideffects of our humanity. Humanity, like frugality, has no place in Yankees baseball. These swine will be replaced by worthy men of good Yankee stock."

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Yankees' statement regarding the case of Bronxmarschall Torre

Achtung, Achtung. Bronxmarschall Joe Torre announced yesterday his intention to remain in his current position for the 2006 season, putting an end to the vicious, preposterous rumour that he was in anyway dissatisfied with Der Fuhrer's brand of inspiring motivational techniques. Reached by Yankees Uber Alles earlier this morning, Der Bronxmarschall made the following statement:

"I am of course very pleased to continue to serve at Der Fuhrer's pleasure for so long as he deems my services useful to the Yankee empire. I can think of no man in the world who is better suited to lead the Yankees team und volk inexorably to the final victory. I am priviliged to serve him. Heil Steinbrenner. This statement was in no way coerced. My wife and children remain safe, though only thanks to the protection afforded them by the guiding hand of Der Fuhrer. Heil Steinbrenner."

Der Fuhrer was reportedly thankful, but of course too modest to comment on his feelings regarding Torre's unvarnished praise.

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Announcement concerning rumours regarding der Fuhrer's medical condition

Achtung, Achtung. This is Dr. Chuck. I have been amiably released from the custody of Yankee Stadium security following a brief misunderstanding of a personal nature between myself and Der Fuhrer. Reports that Der Fuhrer attempted to have the entire front office staff liquidated in retaliation for a secretary's spilling coffee on him are grossly exaggerated falsehoods spread by enemy agents. Ignore them.

Reports are also circulating from the same false sources that Der Fuhrer suffered "brain damage" or "pseudo-schizoid psychosis" earlier today due to his blood spontaneously heating to over 150 degrees celsius. No such incident occurred. According to several medical expers, Der Fuhrer is merely suffering from a mild ailment of the lymphatic system, is in full command of his faculties, and has his hand firmly about the wheel of the ship of the Yankee empire.

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

ACH!

NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! VERRATERN!

Wo ist Cashman?

Achtung. This is Der Fuhrer. If anyone out there has seen Bronxfuhrer Cashman or Bronxmarschall Torre, please contact the front office immediately. Their offices have been emptied and their cars are gone from the parking lot. Alex Rodriguez also appears to be missing. I fear the actions of enemy agents.

...What's this note on Cashman's desk? It is addressed to me... Hmm, it must be a summary of those false reports of a Yankee loss.

...But it is on our stationary...

Dr. Chuck has been liquidated. YANKEES WIN!

Achtung, mein leiber Yankees volk. This is a communique directly from Der Fuhrer George Steinbrenner. Dr. Chuck has proven to be a traitor and has accordingly been liquidated. The Yankee empire is under great and dangerous threats from saboteurs in its ranks, but remains strong and victorious. Contrary to reports that appeared in non-Yankee media outlets this week, the Yankees won the ALDS against the mongrel Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in three games, and are poised to sweep their opponents in the ALCS. Reports of the mongrel Red Sox' ignominious loss are, of course, true. I have been personally assured of these facts by my trusted leiutenant, Bronxfuhrer Brian Cashman. I call on all the Yankees volk to rally behind the team and give all necessary fealty and support. The triumph of Yankee ideology is inevitable if it has the support of the volk.

YANKEES UBER ALLES.