Lessons in Yankeeism, no. 1: The Tenets of Yankeeism

Achtung, Achtung. This is the first in a new series of instructional tracts in proper Yankee ideology (Yankeeism), and its proper application in resolving everyday questions. The purpose of this series, as decreed by Der Fuhrer, is to aid each good Yankee fan in his daily striving to be the best Yankee fan he can be.

With this goal in mind, consider this, the fundamental tenet of Yankeeism:

(1) A Yankee is a Yankee.

What does this mean? On the surface, it seems to be a mere tautology, for how can a Yankee be anything but a Yankee anymore than a rock can be anything but a rock? We must turn to Aristotle's doctrine of categories in order to delve the deeper meaning of (1). There is the individual Yankee in question, and then there is the category of [Yankee]. An individual Yankee is only a [Yankee] insofar as the particular qualities of his existence are those qualities of existence that define what it is to be a [Yankee].

So, now we can redefine the funamental tenent of Yankeeism as another tautology, which will be useful to us:

(1a) A Yankee IS either a [Yankee], or he IS NOT a [Yankee].

Ja, so far, so gut. Our next question, therefore, should be, "What are the qualities that define [Yankee]?" Der Fuhrer in his wisdom gave us the answer, the second tenet of Yankeeism that all good Yankee fans have come to worship; by Der Fuhrer's words, therefore:

(2) "A Yankee is a winner."

Now, all good Yankee fans, being gifted as they are with superior mental acumen to match their superior zeal for their team, recognize that the term "winner," in this case, is not meant to denote just any sort of winner. By winner, Der Fuhrer - and by extension we - mean one who wins not just a petty victory but ULTIMATE and TRUE victory, vis-a-vis Der Fuhrer's famous declaration of 1978, "Today the World Series, Tomorrow the World!" We can therefore give a precise definition of [Yankee]:

(2a) A [Yankee] is one who wins the ULTIMATE and TRUE victory.

Our righteous faith in the eternal Yankee empire and the final Yankee victory must lead us to accept the certainty that winners are only ULTIMATE and TRUE winners if and only if they fight for the Yankees and Yankeeism. Therefore:

(3) A [Yankee] is one who wins the ULTIMATE and TRUE victory for the Yankees.

To review:

(1) A Yankee is a Yankee
(1a) A Yankee IS either a [Yankee] or he IS NOT a [Yankee].
(2) "A Yankee is a winner."
(2a) A [Yankee] is one who wins the ULTIMATE and TRUE victory.
(3) A [Yankee] is one who wins the ULTIMATE and TRUE victory for the Yankees.

It is therefore impossible to be a good Yankee and give either love, thought, or labor to any team, or any thing, for that matter, but the Yankees. The Yankees are the entire life of each individual Yankee and of the Yankees volk; there is nothing outside the Yankees for us.

NEXT LESSON: Yankeeism and the World Baseball Classic

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Statement regarding the cases of Pitchmarschall Stottlemyre and Benchmarschall Girardi

Achtung, Achtung. What seemed to be unfortunate news for the Yankee empire a few days ago has been revealed as a blessing. Der Fuhrer has made the following comments regarding the departures of Mel Stottlemyre and Joe Girardi.

"These men were traitors and spies," according to Der Fuhrer, who continued, "I allowed them to remain out of personal loyalty. All Yankee fans should regard this case as a stark reminder of the dangers of wallowing in base sentimentality. We must never again allow our committment to winning to be overriden by the unfortunate emotional sideffects of our humanity. Humanity, like frugality, has no place in Yankees baseball. These swine will be replaced by worthy men of good Yankee stock."

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Yankees' statement regarding the case of Bronxmarschall Torre

Achtung, Achtung. Bronxmarschall Joe Torre announced yesterday his intention to remain in his current position for the 2006 season, putting an end to the vicious, preposterous rumour that he was in anyway dissatisfied with Der Fuhrer's brand of inspiring motivational techniques. Reached by Yankees Uber Alles earlier this morning, Der Bronxmarschall made the following statement:

"I am of course very pleased to continue to serve at Der Fuhrer's pleasure for so long as he deems my services useful to the Yankee empire. I can think of no man in the world who is better suited to lead the Yankees team und volk inexorably to the final victory. I am priviliged to serve him. Heil Steinbrenner. This statement was in no way coerced. My wife and children remain safe, though only thanks to the protection afforded them by the guiding hand of Der Fuhrer. Heil Steinbrenner."

Der Fuhrer was reportedly thankful, but of course too modest to comment on his feelings regarding Torre's unvarnished praise.

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Announcement concerning rumours regarding der Fuhrer's medical condition

Achtung, Achtung. This is Dr. Chuck. I have been amiably released from the custody of Yankee Stadium security following a brief misunderstanding of a personal nature between myself and Der Fuhrer. Reports that Der Fuhrer attempted to have the entire front office staff liquidated in retaliation for a secretary's spilling coffee on him are grossly exaggerated falsehoods spread by enemy agents. Ignore them.

Reports are also circulating from the same false sources that Der Fuhrer suffered "brain damage" or "pseudo-schizoid psychosis" earlier today due to his blood spontaneously heating to over 150 degrees celsius. No such incident occurred. According to several medical expers, Der Fuhrer is merely suffering from a mild ailment of the lymphatic system, is in full command of his faculties, and has his hand firmly about the wheel of the ship of the Yankee empire.

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

ACH!

NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! VERRATERN!

Wo ist Cashman?

Achtung. This is Der Fuhrer. If anyone out there has seen Bronxfuhrer Cashman or Bronxmarschall Torre, please contact the front office immediately. Their offices have been emptied and their cars are gone from the parking lot. Alex Rodriguez also appears to be missing. I fear the actions of enemy agents.

...What's this note on Cashman's desk? It is addressed to me... Hmm, it must be a summary of those false reports of a Yankee loss.

...But it is on our stationary...

Dr. Chuck has been liquidated. YANKEES WIN!

Achtung, mein leiber Yankees volk. This is a communique directly from Der Fuhrer George Steinbrenner. Dr. Chuck has proven to be a traitor and has accordingly been liquidated. The Yankee empire is under great and dangerous threats from saboteurs in its ranks, but remains strong and victorious. Contrary to reports that appeared in non-Yankee media outlets this week, the Yankees won the ALDS against the mongrel Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in three games, and are poised to sweep their opponents in the ALCS. Reports of the mongrel Red Sox' ignominious loss are, of course, true. I have been personally assured of these facts by my trusted leiutenant, Bronxfuhrer Brian Cashman. I call on all the Yankees volk to rally behind the team and give all necessary fealty and support. The triumph of Yankee ideology is inevitable if it has the support of the volk.

YANKEES UBER ALLES.

Yankees liquidate mogrel Red Sox

Achtung. Achtung. Yankees volk, rejoice this evening, for the Yankees have defeated the stinking horde from New England in yet another series. Der Fuhrer is to personally award the Pinstripe Cross to Al Leiter in a special Monument Park rally tomorrow, in recognition of his heroic efforts in this evening's game, which has allowed the team to continue its remarkable, yet inevitable, string of successes in its bold new starting rotation revitalization program, Operation Dyke-Finger.

All inferior teams and their fans have taken notice of our superiority in all avenues of human potential, and eagerly await their respective, inevitable conquests by the onrushing, victorious Yankee team. In an incredible gesture of magnanimity, Der Fuhrer released the following statement as soon as victory became apparent to him, about an hour before the first pitch:

"The Yankees volk are right! The Yankees volk must always be right! And the Yankee team will continue to live up to our highest expectations in its march to glory! We call on the rest of America's baseball fans to accept these facts, or death will be the reward for their treachery!"

That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!

Ein Message from das Propaganda Ministry of our Exalted Fuhrer, George Steinbrenner

Achtung. Achtung. Heil Steinbrenner! The New York Yankees today announced the initial phases of Project Brunhilde, which is projected to lead the Yankee team und volk to righteous and total dominance of internet media within five years. This Blog, Yankees Uber Alles, will keep all good Yankee fans updated with news and analysis of the team, written in proper Yankee fashion and guaranteed to be free of any non-Yankee impurities. More to follow after tonight's game. That is all.

YANKEES UBER ALLES!!!